In September, 2005, I met my soul mate. My father was so broke at the time. He was battling banks and a lot of other creditors. Because I attended an expensive high school, I didn’t go to school that term.
Mind you I had only attended halfway through the previous term too. For all those six or seven months, I never saw my father at peace. Life was hard. He barely talked.
When things got better, I went back to school the next term. Only that I never returned to my previous school. We had to look for an “affordable one.”
Like any teenager, I hated the idea of leaving a “cool school” to a fake one. The future seemed dark. My father promised me that I would be going back to the schools I deserve once his financial situation improved. Thanks Dad, I said. At least I wouldn’t have to attend a junk school for so long.
One thing I have learnt about life is this. No one knows the future. And never underestimate or overestimate what the future holds.
At my new school, which was new too (two years old at the time), I found Angela. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen at the time. She was so cute that I spent most of my waking days thinking about her. Before long I approached her, worked my magic and with some patience, she became my girlfriend.
Ours was a match made in heaven. She is my soul mate, I once told Alex, a friend. I loved her so much and she loved me too or even more. We became the envy of all the other kids at school. With every new term, I became a tourist attraction without intending to. Every new guy in school looked for me to see the boy who rocked Angela’s world. I felt like a God.
Angela was and still is, the most loyal girl I ever met in my life (well, the competition is fierce though). I must admit, the fact that I was her first love played a huge part. I cheated on her but she was always there for me. I disappointed her so much that I still feel terrible about it but she forgave me anyway.
11 years later, Angela is a married woman now and a mother of an amazing son. But am not her husband. And neither am I the father of her son. We do talk occasionally but only on occasions. As she now has a family to take care of. I was once the center of her life but now that place is occupied by someone else.
So, what happened? Why is it that my “soulmate” is with someone else now? Let me try getting you some answers…
There’s no deity dictating how your life turns out.
As an individual, you resemble how the universe works. You have a world of your own. A place with opinions, ideas, frustrations, etc. The mind is a complex and incredible machine. A machine capable of so many simulations than you could ever imagine.
Because your world view is intense and wide, sometimes you might think that there should be someone out there dictating how your life turns out. A deity directing and producing your life’s story. Just because it’s complex and infinite.
But what you normally don’t think about is; that’s how other people feel too. In the grand scheme of things, your own life is negligible compared to the billions of lives out there (not considering the other living organisms).
Think about it, why would a deity hand me an incredible woman while giving other men shitty ones? It doesn’t make sense, does it? Why do I get to have beautiful children with a beautiful mother while other men get the scraps? See, it doesn’t make sense.
Chance plays a huge part in most of our lives. Even though with hard work you can influence it. The fact that no one is dictating your life should be refreshing. It means your chances of finding or not finding your soul mate depends on you and only you. For at least 90% of the times.
But don’t expect your soul mate to be somewhere waiting for you. Because nobody put her there.
Having too much love for someone doesn’t mean she is your soul mate.
I loved Angela so much. In fact, in my mind, ending up as husband and wife was inevitable. And she felt the same way. I could feel her unconditional love every time I spent with her. In fact at one time after an argument about my indiscretions, she told me she would fully trust me again after having our first child (Kinda childish but you get the point). Just a child, why not? Serious stuff, huh.
So, love was there but was it enough? As you’ve already seen, no it wasn’t. First there was the age difference. I was just one grade above her. Two years older. We loved each other but had never lived in the same house for over two days.
When she was 21 years old, she wanted to have a child within one year. Yet I didn’t see myself having one for another decade or even a lifetime. A 23-year-old guy has completely different ambitions in life compared to a 21-year-old girl.
Love might be necessary, but a long-term relationship is driven by much more than love. To a wiser man, our break up was inevitable.
I predict she’s about to get her second child now. Me on the other hand, I have never had the thought rubbing my neurons even for once.
Soul mates are made – not discovered.
Most of us think that our soul mate is out there waiting for us to show up. If only I could just know where she lives, you say. You believe there’s a person in some place somewhere on earth who will love, understand, care and cherish you for life.
I’m sorry to break it to you but that is fiction. Soul mates are made not discovered. It takes hard work over a long time to make your soul mate. But you won’t just discover her living somewhere. Expecting that is actually selfish.
Humans are complex beings. What are the odds that one complex human being with secret desires and weaknesses (you) is going to connect seamlessly to another complex human being (her) with her own baggage. It’s not impossible but it’s highly improbable. That’s why you only watch it in movies and Soap operas.
The real world doesn’t work like that. Anything good. Anything that isn’t the norm requires hard work, patience and perseverance. You will need to really get to know someone beyond their superficial image portrayed. After that, you will need to accept them for who they really are. No attempt to change them. And then come to terms with the fact that things will never stay the same.
Do that and you’re going to be one of the very few people with an actual soul mate.
Sometimes you’ll be surprised by who ends up becoming your soul mate.
Do you remember when I said the future is unpredictable and no one knows what it holds? Good, not even you can. Don’t believe me? Just do a roll call to your past events in life. And you will uncover one incident after another where things didn’t turn out the way you expected them to.
At one time you thought Bob was a terrible person, to only realize he’s one of the most trustworthy guys you’ve ever met. Linda appeared stupid to you only to find out she has one of the most brilliant minds among the people you knew in life. And the list goes on.
Interact with so many women. Lower your expectations when possible but try to talk to every person. You’ll meet girls who will surprise you by how much they hold behind their beautiful faces. You’ll discover why a woman’s physical appearance has nothing to do with her performance in bed.
To cut the story short, your soul mate might after all, be someone you’ve never envisioned.
The foundation of a soul mate-ship – romanticism, is deeply misguided.
As I previously said, romanticism is the notion that every important decision in your life including a life partner should be based on instincts and feelings. In other words, you’re better off trusting what your subconscious is telling you.
But as we’ve seen over and over again, you can’t trust your emotions or instincts or feelings or whatever to make most of the important decisions in your life. It’s okay for them to be the starting point but only that – a starting point.
Nature is good enough but not perfect. You can’t assume that what comes naturally best indicates what you’re supposed to do. That’s why you can’t assume that just because this woman makes you feel all these things, she’s your soul mate. Otherwise at some point in future you’ll be cursing her. Who curses a soul mate?
The word “soulmate” symbolizes perfection but there’s no such a thing as perfect.
When you type into google “define soulmate.” This is what they say; “a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.” The word that stands out for me is “ideally”. When you look for various meanings of the word “ideal”, this is what you get; “Existing only in the mind; conceptual, imaginary”
It becomes obvious that soul mate-ship is ideal. It’s somewhere you would love to be not something that objectively exists. Remember that.
You don’t need a girl who is perfect, just someone who is good enough. She might annoy you, or misunderstand what you’re trying to say or heck, even cheat on you. But maybe just maybe, she’s the closest thing to a soul mate you’ll ever find.
So, will you ever meet your soul mate? I don’t know. But one thing is for sure. Don’t expect her to be waiting for you somewhere? Focus on working hard on a relationship with a good enough woman, and eventually she’ll become your soul mate. And the whole process will be worth it.
Have you found your soul mate yet? If yes, what advice can you give to other readers? And if no, what do you think about a soul mate? Let’s continue the conversation on twitter.