Men don’t cry. We’re told. But Jude was crying like a little girl. She has done it again, he said. I hugged him and told him to keep crying. Cry, my dear friend, let it all out. I said. And he did. For the next half hour I watched my good friend sob and cry, with so much pain.
But I knew it would be only a few days before he got back to his “love of my life”. Amy was Jude’s girlfriend. A very manipulative girlfriend. She turned and twisted his head every time she wanted to. She played games with him even if he didn’t see things that way.
“What has she done now?” I asked. “Nic, Amy is leaving me for good this time.” He said. “She’s accusing me of seeing other girls. I told her it was not true but she is not buying any of it.” This was the umpteenth time I was hearing this. Same old story. The same move she pulled off every time she wanted him to buy her something very expensive.
And when I told Jude that’s what she was trying to do, he didn’t believe me. You don’t like her much, he normally said. But I never said a word this time. I only offered my listening ears. He needed them.
The fact that I never tried lecturing him about his relationship actually did the opposite. He suddenly felt maybe there was some content in what I had told him earlier. “Let me apply your advice for once.” He said. I had told him never to go running after Amy trying to apologize for something he never did. Not only that. But to actually punish her for the bad behavior.
For the next two weeks, he didn’t call her and neither did he message her. After realizing her tricks were not working, she reached out to him – admitting her “misjudgment”. But it was too late. Jude saw her for what she really was – a gold digger. He called it quits. He’s enjoying an incredible relationship with an amazing girl now. Hi Samantha!
In most cases we unknowingly stay in a toxic relationship. Because most toxic behaviors actually intensify your love for someone. And so months and years go on without being aware of what’s actually going on. That’s stops today.
1. Hiding the relationship from friends and family.
It can be either one of you doing the hiding. For some reason, you’re not comfortable telling your friends and family about your girl. Maybe you’re not sure of your love for each other yet. Maybe she’s not “hot enough” to be shown to the outside world.
And when she is the one doing the hiding, it gets a little tricky. Is she seeing someone else and it’s him the friends know? You might wonder.
It depends on whether the hiding makes you uncomfortable. But whatever your reasons are, hiding the relationship from the close people in your life is a red flag. After all, who doesn’t want to show off anything valuable?
2. Covering up problems every time they arise.
Every relationship has problems. But what differentiates a healthy relationship from a toxic one is the inability to deal with the problems as soon as they arise. Problems create friction. They create tension. And you don’t want this tension to build up. Eventually it comes out. And when it does, it might be too late for any of you to do anything about it.
Address issues immediately. Don’t just buy your girlfriend an expensive gift and expect her to just go from angry to happy. Problems are not solved like that. Talk about the cause of a disagreement or misunderstanding or anything. Don’t buy your way out of problems.
3. Relationship blackmail.
That’s what happened with Jude and Amy. Every time she wanted an expensive anything, she blackmailed him. Because he couldn’t buy her anything so expensive under normal conditions, she saw to it that he first felt guilty about his behavior or actions or words.
Sometimes getting away from such manipulative women can be really hard but if you’re aware of the problem, it gets easier with time. Don’t let her blackmail you into doing something for her. Or forgive her for messing up. You deserve better.
4. You don’t act like yourself.
We’ve all been there. You don’t feel like attending her friends’ birthday parties every weekend but you do it anyway. She invites her relatives at home now and then even when it makes you uncomfortable. But you don’t complain one bit.
Let’s just say, you’re never your real self. Every time you fake your behavior just to satisfy her wants and demands.
Stop right now. Do as you wish. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. If she can’t stomach it, that’s her problem. After all she’s being herself too.
5. She blames you for her emotional problems.
You’re watching the election debate between and your favorite candidate and a foe. And then she comes back home. You give her a kiss, a very big hug and go back to what you were doing. But not so fast.
She looks at you like you just killed someone. You leave TV for a while to see what is wrong with her. Within a few minutes you’ve listened to all her problems. How she is having a hard time containing her new boss. The fact that her workmates are not working as hard as she does. All good, you’ve listened to her and consoled her equally. As you can’t do more than that.
So you go back to Hillary and Trump. Not so fast. She still looks at you like you’re her new boss. Because she had a terrible day, she wants you to mourn too, on her behalf.
But that’s not fair. It’s okay to listen to her. To be there for her. To be empathetic and compassionate.
Expecting you to mourn on her behalf. To stop whatever you were doing because she’s having a bad day – is unrealistic. Don’t allow her irrationality to get to you.
6. She puts you down.
There’s nothing as debilitating as being put down by someone who should be uplifting you in the first place. It’s okay for other people to remind you how much of a “disgrace to the world” you’re. But not the person you call your girlfriend or wife.
Why? Because the world is hard and complicated and unfair. Because no matter how much things don’t go your way, you’re trying for God’s sake. Other people might not understand it but your partner should understand it.
If she doesn’t, then at least let her have your back. Don’t allow someone to be a constant character in your life if she’s always putting you down. Eventually you’ll suffocate. People who suffocate for long – die. That’s not good.
7. Displaying unnecessary jealousy.
It’s a fact that people cheat. For men, well – we can’t help it really. Our DNA is always screaming go go go go… Go get her. It’ hard being a man. We’re always ready to go. So it’s understandable for your girl being jealous. Dealing with a creature that’s always going after the opposite sex is hard enough.
The problem is taking it over board. She becomes suspicious of the text messages you send at night and she resolves to contact all the female names in your phone. Including your company’s CEO. She suspects the woman at the supermarket and before you know it, she attacks her, warning her to stay away from you. Even if you’ve never actually said anything more than Hi.
That’s a sign of a toxic relationship.
8. Her love for you depends on your current financial situation.
The only time you two go out is at the end of the month. When you’ve just received your monthly salary. She cleans up your house on a visit – only when you promise to buy her the latest IPhone.
Whenever your bank account is fat, she detects it. And she does everything you ask for. And when things are not that good, you rarely see her.
That’s a toxic relationship right there. You can’t sustain a relationship like that. You need someone who is much more interested in the person – YOU.
9. Let me leave this out – so disheartening.
10. You don’t get sex as often as you would love to.
Petrol is to a car as sex is to man. When you don’t get enough sex, you can’t maximize your human potential. Your mind isn’t as focused as it should be. Dull, less sharp, dumb.
Your body needs sex to function properly. If it doesn’t, you don’t feel 100% effective at most things, not knowing why. You easily get pissed off by trivial things. You easily lash out at your co-workers without any reason.
If you don’t get enough sex from your relationship, it’s a sign of toxicity.
Don’t joke with sex. It’s a basic need. You need a woman who understands that. A woman who provides you with sex every now and then. At the end of the day, she’s a woman worth being with, in a relationship.