Ask any young man why he would like to get married at some point and one of the reasons will be “having sex whenever I want.” To him the notion of a sexless marriage is absurd and he probably assumes it’s a myth.
Yet ask any person who has been married for at least a decade or even less – the current state of his marriage. And not having enough sex will easily show up as one of the hiccups he’s been facing for quite some time. A sexless marriage is real. It’s a burden to many across all walks of life.
How do you know that you’re in one? The frequency of sex reduces gradually as time goes on. Instead of the five times you had sex in a week previously, you now have it once or even not. If both of you initiated sex at some point in your relationship, that ceases to happen because now the burden is only on one person or not.
To survive a sexless marriage, you need to know its possible causes and the respective consequences. And then – only then, can you figure a way out.
Possible causes of a sexless marriage.
-Time: There is nothing in this world that is safe with passage of time. With time, lakes disappear, big trees decompose, and once young kids – grow old and die. Marriage is not an exception. Irrespective of how much you love your wife or vice versa, time will make many things between you to fade.
You will feel less attraction towards her. She might feel the same way. Because you’ve had sex over and over again, the novelty will die and the enthusiasm will disappear. The result – a sexless marriage.
-Promiscuity: Naturally we’re suckers for new shiny stuff. Once you know all the corners of your wife’s body, the excitement you once felt vanishes. Before you know it, you start going after other women. And the genes don’t help much either. Genetically, you’re wired to make sure your genes are passed on to newer generations as much as possible.
For that, when you’ve been in a marriage for some time, you start seeing other women because your biology is forcing you too. Hence a sexless marriage.
Btw am only referring to you here but it can equally be your wife. She might be the one seeing another man not you. For reasons not so different from your own.
-Age and healthy issues: A sexless marriage can be caused by aging. The victim can be both of you or one of you. With age, your sexual hormones become less active. Your libido or that of your wife diminishes. Without wanting to, the affected party just realizes he/she doesn’t want to have sex as much anymore. Of course this becomes a problem to the other person.
Or it can be other healthy issues. Maybe one of you has a chronic disease that’s preventing you from wanting and enjoying sex as you used to.
-Complacence: As I said, with time you get used to each other. It’s inevitable for the novelty to die. Other things such as work begin taking up your time to the detriment of your sex life. You become complacent without intending to.
Before you know it you’re experiencing a sexless marriage.
-Having children: Well – women are the most victims to this. When a child is born, she spends most of her time giving him/her care. She worries about the child late in the night and it’s the first thing she attends to in the morning. She can’t really help it.
And the fact that she takes less time to take care of herself doesn’t help either. You also start finding her sexual prowess less appealing. These two forces then create a cascade of events that tantamount to zero sex.
Why it’s a burden.
-Can negatively affect the love between you two. Yap. Not only is sex pleasurable but it’s the reason a lot of chemicals are released in the body – Chemicals that aid in the bonding of two human beings. Actually the very act of having an orgasm induces a woman into falling in love with a man. If she’s not having those orgasms most of the time, there’s a problem.
It’s even worse if it’s another man giving them to her.
-Leads to unhappiness: This is kind of obvious really. As a man, you need sex to function well. Sex is not only a source of pleasure but A BASIC NEED. And the same goes to your partner. She needs sex to stay sane. If you two are not staining the sheets enough, you’re going to end up unhappy even if you might struggle knowing the reason.
-It can lead to infidelity: If infidelity is not the reason for a sexless marriage, then a sexless marriage might easily become the reason for infidelity. The person who feels more of the victim will want to satisfy his/her sexual urges somewhere else.
As I said before in this post, you/she might not rationally come to the conclusion that infidelity is the best alternative. Rather it’s her body making the decisions. You make your own decisions as the body makes its own too.
-If extreme, it can lead to divorce: That’s right. Sex is such a powerful force that sometimes even love can’t stand in its way. A couple who loved each other so much might end a marriage because there was no sex in it. And no one has to be the cause. It doesn’t matter if healthy issues or infidelity caused the problem.
The consequences are never the less the same. Divorce being one of them.
–Create a ripple effect to other aspects of your life: As I said, sex is a basic need – in the same bracket with food, water and shelter when it comes to life. At least to an adult.
Imagine what would happen to the other aspects of your life if you suddenly stopped eating for a day or two. Sex might not have an effect as intense as that of food but it’s still intense. It’s absence create effects that cascade into other parts of your life. Work, relationships with other people, outlook on life. Nothing survives the wrath of a sexless life.
HOW TO COME OUT ON TOP.
Accept there’s a problem.
50% of the solution begins with acceptance. You and your partner must acknowledge that you’re not having enough sex and it’s negatively affecting your marriage. At this stage, you shouldn’t be pointing fingers as to who is to blame.
You’re a team. And teams find solutions together irrespective of who caused the problem. Accept that there’s a problem.
Improve on the communication between you two.
After acceptance. You need to communicate honestly and truthfully at every stage of the way. We like other people to read our minds but that can’t happen. Don’t expect her to read your mind if you can’t read hers. And advise her accordingly.
Zero in on the possible cause(s). Then come up with possible solutions. And stipulate the roles of each one of you in the recuperation process. What are you supposed to do on a daily basis, weekly and monthly basis? What is she supposed to do too?
So, what kind of solutions should you consider?
Try getting some time alone without the kids.
Having children is a major cause of not having enough sex. The woman is always busy. She concentrates on the kids and neglects her husband.
You have to acknowledge the fact that you can’t stop her from taking care of her kids. But you can get her to reduce on the time for example by getting a nanny to help her with some tasks.
You can also spend time in other places except the home – without the kids. This will allow her to focus on you and you alone without the kids’ interference.
Have sex in places outside of your home.
Like the point above, you’re trying to get your wife away from home. Her brain now associates your home with constant activity and responsibility. You want to create some space for intimacy. A place with nothing to remind her of the laundries she’s supposed to take care of. The dishes she forgot to wash.
Btw even if the problem is not kids, taking her away from the house is necessary. You’re essentially re-creating the novelty that has been since lost by familiarity.
Other places might turn out to be – all you ever needed to kick-start your sex life again. Try hotel rooms. Rest rooms of different public places, in the car – parked across the road. Experiment with them all.
Experiment with different sex techniques and positions.
There is reason as to why sex is most exciting with a new person. Everything is new. The anticipation, the expectations. Her physiological shape down there. The way she moans. Mannn…
So, how can we replicate that in a marriage which has lasted for years?
Experiment with new things. New techniques. New positions. Instead of having sex in the bed, try the kitchen table. Instead of sex in the living room, try having it in the car parked outside the house.
The best way I have found of renewing everything is by introducing tension into your sex life. Risk being seen by other people. Risk harming yourselves. Risk making a mess in your house. Take some risks.
Get proper health care and improve your lifestyle.
If age and healthy are the causes of your sexless marriage – then you need to address them head on. Visit a physician and get advice on what should be done. There’s always a way out. Improve on your diet. Exercise daily. Maybe the answer is practicing meditation.
Your health depends on your lifestyle. If you’re less active in your life, you’re bound to grow fat. If you eat junk food, you’re bound to become obese. Age and healthy can be figured out with some effort.
Entertain outside help.
Sometimes no matter what you do, things just don’t work out. And when that happens, you need outside help. You might fail to solve a particular problem because you’re biased and so is your wife. But you won’t know that. That’s why inviting another person to help comes in handy.
It can be a friend you’re both comfortable with or an elder or a marriage counselor. Anyone you want. But never give up on your marriage simply because you two have failed to find a solution. In some cases all you need is an outside perspective. From someone who is not emotionally invested in the relationship – as this person will see things with a clearer head than you two.
If all is said and done with no results, maybe get a break from the marriage.
I’m sorry to say that but sometimes it’s the best course of action. You can’t solve every problem. Some problems are so complex in ways beyond your own understanding.
If you’ve tried all you can with no recognizable improvements. Maybe it’s time to move on. You’ve done all you could (I’m assuming you have), but it wasn’t to be. Move on. Life goes on anyway.
Do all you can to rectify a problem but if you fail, get a break from this marriage – the right way.
A sexless marriage can be stressing to the victim. But if you become aware of the problem and accept it, you can easily find the solution. It won’t happen in a week or two. But two months or less is a realistic target.
Get your wife on board. See to it that she too recognizes the problem. Then take it one day a time. Bit by bit and you’ll survive the burden of a sexless marriage. Remember to always be open to outside help. There’s a reason we’re all social animals. We can’t survive without the help of other people. Good Luck.
Have you been in a sexless marriage before? Or are you currently in one? How do you plan on overcoming this burden? Continue the conversation on Twitter.