Some years back, I paid a visit to a relative. She was madly in love with her husband in a happy marriage. At the time they had one child – a daughter. She was around two years of age. Then one day, while taking supper, she began crying so much. Seated on the thighs of her mother who was feeding her, she must have accidentally eaten a small bone of fish.
This led to a cascade of events that left me wondering whether these two love birds would sustain their relationship. Seeing her daughter struggling to breath, the man got so irritated by his wife, I couldn’t believe it. We tried a lot of first aid techniques and eventually she vomited the bone out.
But the damage was already done. He insulted his wife, abused her and eventually promised to strangle her, if anything of the sort happened again. The wife cried. And the fact that I was around at the time didn’t help much. It was awful.
Now, it’s accurate to say that the man, after some time, probably regretted all the things he said that day. But how about the woman? Did she just get over all the insults that came her way? Imagine being insulted by a person you love in front of your friends or relatives? And the cause being a child you both brought into this world. Not good.
Maybe that example is a little extreme. But the ability to navigate such situations improves your odds of keeping your marriage intact longer than most couples do.
But if it so happens that you want your marriage to end 6 months from now, these 10 ways will help.
- Become terrible at communicating.
As long you’re dealing with a human being, with a brain and body different from yours. Expect misunderstandings, friction over things and the like. You two are different people. And the only way to get a common ground is through letting each other know the other’s point of view.
Maybe you’re out with the boys watching some soccer. Deep down, you know you’re not doing anything wrong. But she doesn’t know that. And given that she, like you, has a brain with a habit of overly focusing on the negative sides of things, she’s bound to make false conclusions.
Tell her your plans, let her know how things are going. Keep her in the loop. Then she won’t have to keep guessing.
In order to give your marriage a chance of extinction, just do the opposite of all the above.
- Take no interest in the interests of your wife.
It’s true you two can never have the same interests. At least not with the same intensity. But you share the same house, same bedroom and probably have kids together. This means you need to bridge the gap between what you like and what she likes. You’ll do this by trying to learn as much as you can about what she wants. You won’t reach her level of interest but at least you’ll be knowledgeable.
Trust me, in future, you two will have more conversations to talk about. And there’s nothing as sexy as someone who took his or her time to get know more about what you like. This is how we naturally bond with people. Getting to see things from their points of view.
So, tired of your wife? Take no interest in her interests.
- Entertain mediocre sex
Sex is the medium through which we get to pass on our genes. And because of that, nature made it one of the most exhilarating experiences anyone can have. Our brains are wired to gravitate towards people who ensure this happens. It’s so subtle and happens under our consciousness radar. We’re never aware of it.
The moment she labels your sex as “mediocre”, whether she tells you that or not, it’s bad news. Her subconscious is going to force her into looking for other options. And this will create a ripple effect into other areas of her life. Including her marriage.
And if this marriage is with you. Well…
- Assume the love between you two will be as intense as in the beginning.
Some people love the idea of “living happily ever after”. In the beginning you fall in love with someone, and expect the initial intensity of that love to go forever. But that is biologically impossible. At some point the love starts fading, you don’t think about each other as much as you used to.
The desire for sex slows down a bit. This is normal. Most couples go through this.
Likewise you should expect this to happen to you at some point. And if it doesn’t (although you can only prove that after death), then you’re one lucky fellow.
If it happens please don’t begin searching for your “true love” again. You’ll be going through circles. Am not saying you can’t end it with someone after realizing she’s not what you want. All am saying is, first work on renewing your marriage. Do everything you can to work through that rustiness.
Things just can’t be as intense and exciting as they were in the beginning. To expect otherwise is the surest way to end a would-be amazing relationship.
- Become as insecure as you possibly can.
Asking her where she has been every time. Eavesdropping on her conversations. Heck if you happen to be a nerd like me, hack her phone. Now maybe it’s okay to do that to your child to protect her, but not a fellow adult. Do one of these once in a very long while and it’s perceived as sexy, continue doing it and you become nagging.
We want people who desire us, who are willing to do anything just for us. But if they go overboard then the magic evaporates. You don’t want to be this kind of person. Except if you’re tired of your marriage.
Don’t intervene on her freedom. She’s an adult. Looking into what she does every time is the work of the government if it wants to, not you. And trust me, letting her be actually works in your favor in the long run. Few men know how to do that. See, she doesn’t have many options.
- Cheat and then feel no remorse
Do you know what a woman hates most after discovering her husband has cheated? The fact that he is in love with the “other woman”. It’s the most devastating thing that can happen to her.
Feeling no remorse only tells her that you probably don’t love her anymore. If her self-esteem is high, chances are high she’s going to bow out of the relationship. “He hurt me so much but he doesn’t care” she will say. You might be forgiven for cheating. But if you don’t feel remorse for doing it. If you don’t try to hide it as much as possible. You’re laying a foundation for a breakup.
- Ignore her need to feel desired.
She wants to feel desired. It makes her feel alive. It’s true she married you because she wanted a commitment with someone. But that doesn’t mean because the novelty is gone, she doesn’t want to feel desired anymore.
Desire is the reason she still takes care of herself like a teenager. It’s the reason she spends over 30 minutes on makeup every morning. It’s primal for her to want to feel desired. Even when she’s not looking for any other relationships.
If she doesn’t get it from you, she will get it from other men. And I don’t think other men will only be interested in meeting her needs while ignoring their needs.
Compliment her, remind her how much she turns you on. Tell her she still messes up your mind as she used to do. She will thank you for it.
- Work so hard and find little time for her.
If you asked most women the kind of man they want, they will say: An ambitious man, hardworking and mostly financially stable. But what they rarely think about is how the financial stability comes about in the first place. Hard work.
This doesn’t get you off the hook though. The fact that she eventually finds out how hard you work doesn’t mean she will expect less time with you. In the feminine world she won a lottery to have such a hardworking man – yes. But she will yearn to spend time with that man. And if you don’t give her that, she will eventually find someone to do that.
- Assume that she must be on board with every decision you make.
That’s called dictatorship for God’s sake. And no one likes a dictator. I know I don’t. As a woman she might feel compelled to follow your decisions even if she doesn’t agree. But let her do that over and over and you have an unsatisfied wife at home.
Humans crave freedom, the ability to make choices and having their points of view heard and taken into account. If you don’t do that you will make her feel like a robot. Nobody wants to feel that way.
You must know this. Sometimes she won’t buy your decisions. Even if you feel 100% sure about them and she isn’t. Treat her like her side of view is valuable too.
- Ignore the 5:1 ratio.
This basically means that for every negative thing that happens, make it a point to have 5 positive things happen. Else you’re in trouble.
I know it’s unfair but that’s how our minds roll. They give more attention and power to the negative things that happen. If they didn’t, you and I wouldn’t be alive.
Our ancestors only lived long enough to pass on their genes because they gave more attention to the possibility of a lion eating them than otherwise. Which meant that if it didn’t show up, it was okay. But if it did, they were ready. Those who never focused on the negative were eaten alive.
The problem with that mental heuristic is that in the modern world we keep the lions in the zoo. Yet our brains have not changed at all for the past 50,000 years.
Better to err on the 5:1 ratio. If you’re tired of your marriage, just do the reverse.
Expect her to love you the same way after having kids
Before those babies are born, your family consists of only two people. It only makes sense that one’s love and attention is directed towards the other person. But when the kids come on the scene, oh man it’s not even close.
See, every time i spot anything universal, I always look at things from evolution’s point of view. From an evolutionary perspective, a woman’s major role is to give birth and take care of her off springs. Which makes sense if she focuses on her kids much more than you.
She is not wired to take care of adults. Especially when these adults are of different genes. She only needs them to help her conceive and take care of kids.
Obviously the more humanity advances the more we learn to drift away from most of these evolutionary tendencies. But seriously, you can’t blame your woman because nature is bossing her around.
Having known this, you will be more understanding and supportive when this time comes. Or not if you’re tired of your wife.
Focus on your differences instead of similarities
As I said, humans are always going to be different because of the way our brains are wired to work. “We’re different” is a line that is thrown around now and then by most people but very few take time to realize the would-be consequences of “we’re different” in their lives.
It’s thrown around a lot but rarely acted upon. Your wife is her own person. She is even of a different sex. Not expecting there to be differences is a fool’s errand. And then going on to focus on the differences is foolery at its best.
The way to go with your wife (And this applies to all human interactions), is to focus on the similarities. They will be there. So many of them. The problem is the “negativity instinct” I talked about. Always focusing on what’s wrong instead of what’s right.
If you two were so different – the kind that matters, you wouldn’t be married to begin with. Only focus on the negatives if you miss the single life. Even though there better ways to go about that.
I know you didn’t read this post to end your marriage. And that’s good. The list above is by no means exhausted. But if you try to the opposite of everything said there, within months your marriage will be better than your wildest dreams.
Remember every person is trying to survive. Trying to leave her life. She will make mistakes. She will annoy you. But that’s only because she’s human. A human navigating a complex world who happened to do something you didn’t want. Don’t take it personal. From a big picture perspective, no one is to blame for anything.
But there will be situations where your best move is to end the marriage. And I will write about in the future.
What didn’t I talk about? What’s your take on making marriages stronger? Kindly talk to me in the comments section.