“Just look at what is right in front of you. People don’t do that. They see what they expect to see, what they want to see, what conventional wisdom tells them to see. They only hear the music and not the lyrics of human events.” – Vincent Bugliosi
Around August of 2013, I received a phone call from a friend. “Nic, Amanda (not real name) has just showed up at my work place.” He said. “Oh boy, what the hell is she doing there?” I asked. “Man its crazy. Yesterday I was going through my phone contacts and decided to send her a message. You know, checking on her – that kind of thing. She never replied but now she is here.”
“Hohoho… what are you going to do?” I asked, “What is she up to now?” “She’s checking on me. And she wants to see you too. If you can, please pass by and we go have some lunch.”
Amanda was James’ ex-girlfriend. They had separated a year and a half ago. But now they were trying to patch things up. I went and linked up with them later in the day.
The days that followed, things got better and better between them and before long they were as intense as old times. “She is the only woman who gets me.” James told me. “We’re meant to be.” I congratulated him on getting his girl back and I promised him that I would offer my help at any point if they needed it.
Amanda and James had met in high school as teenagers. The two had only recently began experimenting with dating at the time when they met. They had ups and downs but overall things were good. Amanda was there for James no matter what happened. Because she was coming from a well off family, she helped James with money issues every once in a while since James’ family wasn’t that well off.
She was God send. But as usual the real world steps in and things don’t go as planned. And so they broke up. After 5 years of good love, great sex and incredible companionship.
But after that call from James, history was re-played again. Everyone who knew them before was ecstatic. They were meant to be.
16 months later, they had a bouncing baby boy. Things couldn’t get any better than that. With a child as a product of their love, nothing could stop Jamanda (from James and Amanda) – as they usually referred to their relationship.
From the outside things looked glossy but not so much when viewed from the inside. One time I was invited to settle some dispute between them. But what I saw saddened me a lot.
Jamanda had not lived together during all the five years before. And so they hadn’t really experienced all the unexpected things you discover after closely living with someone. Their different class backgrounds wreaked havoc on their financial relationships. Amanda felt James didn’t do much financially at home. James felt Amanda was a big spender who rarely valued money enough.
James accused Amanda of not taking care of him the way a man should be taken care of. Amanda accused James of not being compassionate enough. Amanda wanted James to be recognized officially by her relatives. And James happily obliged. But only, he actually wasn’t happy. He felt persuaded and manipulated into the act. He felt like he wasn’t being himself anymore. Amanda wasn’t understanding him anymore. He wasn’t sure he had made the right decision going back to her after all.
Before long, there was infidelity. And neglect. And so many other things. This friction went on and on until they broke up at the beginning of this year. They barely talk now even though they have a son together. Amanda hates James with all her heart. But James doesn’t give a damn.
Theirs and many more couples go through such calamities all over the world. And you can’t blame them for the most part. Most people think they are living their lives when in real sense all their doing is follow what the society has programmed them to do.
But like most abstract things, the society doesn’t have a single brain. Or specific interests. Heck it doesn’t have an address too. Society is composed of the government, religions, leaders, relatives, friends and everyone who has an opinion. All of these entities come together with “rules of thumb” they think any “normal” human being should follow to live a happy life. But as James and Amanda can testify, happiness rarely ensues.
If you happen to want real happiness, below is the conventional wisdom you should avoid like a plague:
- Sex can only happen in a stable relationship.
Women are the most casualties of this I must say. The problem though is that as a man you buy into their fiction. Sex is just sex. Two organs rubbing each other and two human beings feeling ecstatic at the end of the day. It’s true you can bond sexually with someone. But after having sex. This doesn’t happen often though.
You don’t need a relationship with someone to enjoy good sex. All you need is mutual interest. What happens after sex is mutually exclusive from the real act of having sex. Remember that! It’s obvious that to do that doesn’t need a stable relationship to begin with.
But good old society doesn’t see things from that perspective. In the eyes of the society, you need to first go through all the hard work and nuances involved in forming a relationship to have sex. Some entities such as religions go as far telling you to wait till marriage. In other words, wait until you’re married to find out if you’re sexually compatible with this woman.
Maybe that’s what the holy books say but this isn’t in sync with reality. Viewing sex from that perspective complicates something that shouldn’t be complex in the first place. Though this has changed a lot in recent decades.
Way forward: Whatever relationship you’re trying to cultivate with a woman, sex should not be the final outcome you’re targeting. That’s giving it way too much power than necessary. Needless to say, the sex itself might suck. And the moment a girl wants you to go through all that nonsense just to sleep with her, run! In most cases, she sucks at sex. For the most part, she hasn’t had a lot of sex in the past. Yet you need practice to become anything near great at sex.
That’s why young women are overrated compared to the older ones.
- Companionship can only happen in a marriage
This too is a myth. To have the company of an amazing woman, you don’t need some abstract institution to give you permission. You don’t need to put a ring on some one’s finger just to enjoy the wealth of mutual trust, good care and faithfulness.
Marriage per se, signifies a long-term commitment to a relationship. But so many things can happen during all this time. The interests for both of you can change before you know it. One day you’re happy leaving at the sea, the next day you want to stay in the middle of the city. Yet your “better half” doesn’t want to.
Today, you want to sleep with her and only her alone. The next year, you want to test exotic waters. You get the picture.
But what if you both agreed to have a good relationship with all the benefits of marriage without necessarily committing yourselves. Because in reality no matter how sure you are today, tomorrow will surprise you.
The society doesn’t think so though. The government offers certain benefits to only married couples. The only way to be respected by certain relatives is through marriage. Blah blah blah…
Way forward: I’m not saying don’t get married. Do so by any means. But only if it makes sense for you to do so. Not because so and so thinks you should do it. Because no matter what you’ve been told before, most of their arguments are flawed. They seem to work theoretically but never in reality.
- Stay uneducated and rely on instinct when it comes to matters of intimacy.
Before the 20th century, matters of intimacy mostly happened through marriage. And arranged marriages were the order of the day. The family of your wife needed some much-needed land yet your family needed allies in the political sphere. And marriage ensured that.
But during the last century, romanticism has happened. You’re told to follow your “heart” when choosing a loved one. Never to go against your instincts. You’re told your instincts know what you want.
What is rarely told though is that our brains are not perfect. That nature itself is not perfect. The most imperfection about nature is the desire to always simplify things. Because it comes naturally, we think it’s the right thing to do. But the world is complex. Period. Things are not always what they seem. That beautiful blonde with blue eyes might be the dumbest woman you’ll ever meet. Even if now you think she deserves to be your girlfriend.
But like scientists, you need to educate yourself a lot about the opposite sex if not all of human nature. There’s so much we don’t know about ourselves and the world. You need knowledge to bridge that gap. Only then will you be able to trust your instincts.
- Society places a blockade on expanding your dating opportunities
It’s very rare to hear an elder advising a young one to try dating many women. You’re rarely advised to look beyond your workplace. To try online dating, speed dating and God forbid, blind dating.
But in reality, except if you’re a celebrity who is approached by many beautiful women, you need a huge dating pool. It’s possible that the reason you hate women is because you’ve only tried out the ones in your home town. But that’s a very small sample.
The chances of you meeting someone you really like from that sample are so low. Yet you rarely hear that fact being said by anyone.
Way forward: Date as many women as possible to improve your chances of meeting someone you connect with deeply. Try online dating. Speed dating. And any dating possible. Go to distant places just to date more women. By doing so, you’re statistically improving your chances of meeting a girl you really, really like.
- Time is up. Get someone please – society says.
Still women are the most victims of this but men get their fair share too. Women suffer when they enter their late 20s. For men it’s usually in the mid-30s. Everyone among your peers has settled down. And your relatives and sometimes friends, are on your neck to settle down with someone.
This happens irrespective whether they have inquired about what you want or not. To them, settling down with a wrong person is better than staying single no matter how happy you’re in your single life.
Way forward: The fact that you know this will happen gives you more mental energy to resist it. Don’t allow anyone to influence your decision about who you spend your life with. In most cases after uttering out their opinions, these same people go back to living their lives. Leaving you to mess up with yours. Do as you please. As long as you’re happy.
Bonus. Most of society decisions are based on physical appearance.
This is the reason you never hear about “Top 10 emotionally stable female celebrities in 2016” in newspapers and magazines. Instead there’s “Top 10 sexiest…” “99 most beautiful women….” “The 5 hottest…” And the list goes on.
We’re so fixated on how people look physically. No matter how much evidence we get telling us never to trust physical appearances, we still do. People are going to advice you against dating some girl because to them she looks ugly. Rarely are they going to look at her from your point of view. It’s true she might be ugly but there’s so much about her mind and personality they don’t know.
Basically it all comes about due to our brains simplifying things wherever possible. It’s a survival instinct to measure up people and objects based on a few cues we get from them. This helped our ancestors to survive in the wild.
The problem is that most things are complex. Human beings are complex. You can’t judge how good or bad someone is just by looking at a few physical cues. It’s foolery. And If you’re like me, you hate being a fool.
Going against the majority doesn’t come naturally too. It requires will power. Great mental energy. Living life on your own terms is always going to be a tag of war. But with time you’ll be fine. To end the article, this is what you should remind yourself once in a while:
- Don’t trust only your instincts when it comes to women. First get some more knowledge on how things work.
- Everyone is going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, only your opinions matter.
- People and the society gravitate towards simple things. That’s how our brains roll. But this doesn’t mean because everyone thinks something is true, this thing is actually
How has the society encroached on what you want? And what have I missed out? Talk to me in the comments section…